A Jokers smile
by BookOfXcentric
Summary: Yamanami had only a bamboo sword but Souji killed him anyway. Now he punishes himself. HijiOki Dark Yaoi, don't like don't read. PG18


**Title: **A jokers smile  
**Genre: **Angst/Hurt and comfort/Romance  
**Pairing:** Hijikata X Souji  
**Warning/Spoilers: **Shonen ai, Yaoi, Dark themes. Spoiler for PMK Vol 2 death of Yamanami.  
**Rating: **Mature 18+ (Rated for implications)  
**A/N: **I figured this out while being on vacation in Gothenburg. It's a beautiful city but whomever designed the traffic system, where probably high when they did it. (There's an architect out there with serious issues)  
**Disclaimer: **I don't own Zippidy do da!

_**Quote of the fic:  
**"All murderers are punished, unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets."_  
_- Voltaire_

_OXOXOXOXOX_

It was raining. Souji couldn't help but wonder why the weather seemed to match his feelings, his emotions reflected by the diamond drops pouring down towards the earth.

He stared down at his own two hands, stared at those well known palms that had taken the life of one of his dearest friends. It rained on the night of Yamanami Keisukes death.

'Seppuku' that was the official story, but he knew, Hijikata knew, Kondou knew the one that killed Yamanami Keisuke was Okita Souji.

The world outside was dark, just like he himself. The darkness that filled his soul reflected by the world outside.

_'I am not a good person.'_

He sat crawled up in a dark corner knees tightly pressed against himself, as if he was trying to hide, trying to make himself as small and unnoticeable as possible. Soon everyone would know, know that he killed Sannan.

The word was already out. Normally, truth and rumours spread like wild fire through the quarters mixing, melting into each other, mutating until no one no longer knew what the truth really were. But that didn't matter, he killed Sannan. That was an absolute truth.

Yamanami used to say that there were no absolute truths, but no matter what perspective Souji viewed it from, no matter how he twisted and turned it in his head it didn't change: he killed Yamanami.

_'I am too cruel.'_

He attacked and killed a man who's only weapon of defence was a bamboo sword with which you can not kill a rat. He cut down and murdered a close childhood friend without a moments hesitation.

Everyone was right, he really was the child of a demon. He made a choice between letting an angel or a demon live and he chose the demon without hesitating. For he loved the demon.

"'Those who bare their fangs at you, you cut them down without a moment's hesitation.'" Those were Yamanamis last words to him.

_'But you never bore your fangs at me...'_

There where no tears, Souji did not cry. He did not deserve to shed tears for Yamanami. Souji didn't kick, didn't yell, didn't fight back he just sat there in silence.

He felt nothing. A merciless killer with no feelings, cold and heartless. He was Hijikatas creation.

Yamanami, Hijikata they both thought he was a mistake, they didn't say it out loud but he could see through their walls. They did not want another him, not even Hijikata, but as long as he was an obedient little demon they kept him close. Souji knew it but smiled an pretended as if it were raining.

_'I am a failure.' _

"I'm sorry, Hijikata-san. I wasn't strong enough, I failed you." The sound of his voice did not reach his ears. Did he even speak? He didn't know.

_'This is who I am and I'm hurting you.'_

The clouds parted and revealed a pale February moon which reflected itself in Soujis cold, expressionless violet eyes. The rain that washed away Sannans blood had stopped.

_'I killed you for a bamboo sword.'_

"Did it hurt?" He whispered to the moon "... I'm sure it did." Souji buried his face in his knees and clenched his fists around the fabric of his yukata, Yamanamis smiling face swam before his consciousness.

For a second scenes from today flashed through his mind. "I hurt you, I caused you pain, ...I killed you."

_'I am the one who deserves that pain, I'm a monster.'_

He really was, wasn't he? A monster, a demon, an asshole, a jerk hiding behind smiles and a pretty facade. A wolf in disguise.

_'Punish me.'_

But no one would. Yamanami was a deserter. Deserting made him a traitor and betrayal meant Seppuku. He knew it all along but he thought that maybe there could be forgiveness for Sannan.

But no matter if they forgave him, Yamanami did not forgive himself.

_'Punish me!'_

No. No one would punish Souji, they all looked away and said that it wasn't his fault. That Yamanami, no matter how cruel it was, got what he deserved.

Then who's fault was it?

Yamanamis; for raising a wooden sword against his comrade? No.

Hijikatas; for putting himself in that position? No.

Kondous; for allowing an execution?

Of course not. Kondou only did what he had to, Sannan was already dying because Souji cut him down.

_'PUNISH ME!'_

_OXOXOXOXOXOX_

The wood felt cold against his bare feet and the air around him smelled moist from freshly fallen rain. The wet February night chilled him to the bone and he pulled the white yukata tighter around himself.

Souji stood outside the room eyes cast to ground, one hand on the door as if he were debating with himself whatever to open it or not.

After today's happenings he had expected the elder to be awake, even at this hour, but Hijikatas room was dark.

It didn't matter, there was something he needed right now, so quietly he shoved the door open and walked over to the large man resting on the futon in the middle of them room.

Hijikatas breathing was even but he didn't snore, Souji stood above him looking down at the body of the Shinsengumi demon. The white yukata the man wore to bed had slipped of and pooled around his elbows exposing broad shoulders and a muscular chest.

Souji sat down next to him, with his legs to the side and placed one finger right below the mans Adams apple and slowly slid it down the chest to the bellybutton.

While he commenced this act the violet eyes followed the movement of his finger, telling no tales. When Hijikata gave no sign of recognizing him he removed his hand and heaved himself up until he sat, straddling, the older mans waist.

Quiet, calculating, he slid his hands up the mans sides, feeling the muscles under his palms, like he had done hundreds of times before, trying to coax any reaction out of him.

When it didn't work either Souji leaned down chest to chest on Hijikatas torso, he knew what he wanted and he wanted it now, damn it. Deliberately he put his lips next to the demons ear and softly called his name...

OXOXOXOXOXOX

Darkness enveloped everything, crawled into every corner so deep that not even lanterns seemed able to shed any light.

Hijikata didn't sleep but he wasn't awake either, he where somewhere in between, in the limbo of sleep. The relief of the land of dreams was denying him.

Sannan had kept him sane, kept everyone sane.

"Hijikata-san..." the whisper pulled him out of his haze. There was a weight on his chest, Souji laid on him leaning against his sternum, lips mere inches from his ear, two cold hands lightly placed on his naked shoulders, their touch as light as a butterfly's wing. How out of it had he been? Souji had gotten in to his room, walked up to him, laid down on his torso and spoken and he hadn't even noticed it.

He could feel Soujis breath, as a hot breeze, against his Adams apple. Strands of long black hair, falling as a curtain over the two, stroking his cheek, tickling his naked skin.

He reached out and placed one heavy hand on Soujis head in a gesture of recognition and let it rest there for a while before he pushed himself up into a sitting position, the young man on his chest following him up. Souji sat with his legs on either side of Hijikatas waist, straddling him. Had he been doing that all along?

"Souji...?" he questioned as those pale slender arms snaked around his neck pulling their owner closer.

"Hijikata-san, …please." The lips on his were trembling, not from cold, fear or anger but from something else. Frustration? No. Longing? No.

"I've have a jokers smile, an evil grin and a lovely style but all I feel is emptiness in me..."

Self hatred. Soujis lips were trembling from self hatred.

The graceful hands retreated back to their owner and parted the white yukata sliding it of those slender shoulders to pool around his waist, exposing the pale skin underneath.

"Hijikata-san..." It was a plea and Hijikata understood, much to his dismay, he hated when Souji did this to himself. But it was what Souji needed to forgive himself.

OXOXOXOXOXOX

Souji bit his lower lip, dug his nails into the palms of his hands until they bleed, to keep himself from screaming. The pain shoot through his body, through his very consciousness, like a red hot blade it split him, tore him apart from inside. Even so he would not give in to the pain, he was savouring it, and it was his punishment.

Hijikata watched his suffering in silence, unable to say anything that would make the other man stop what he was doing to himself. If Souji thought that he deserved physical pain as punishment for what he did to Sannan then he didn't think that the emotional pain he put himself through to begin with was punishment enough. If that was it then Hijikata would not, could not stop him, even if he desperately wanted to.

_'Don't do this to yourself.'_

Hijikata marvelled, Soujis lips tasted metallic as the younger forced their mouths together with surprising roughness for the usually gentle swordsman.

Hijikata groaned, Souji kept trailing those surprisingly forceful butterfly kisses up his jaw to his ear and then down his throat, but he was still very careful as to not lose himself to the hot taunting lips and the tightness the enveloped him.

He could hurt Souji permanently if he did even though pain was what the younger desperately wanted to inflict on himself right now. Hijikata did not approve.

Souji was forceful as though he wanted to tear himself apart and Hijikata gripped his hips and forced him to calm the pleasurable movements.

"You're hurting yourself." he grunted.

"I thought you liked it." It was a taunt, delivered in that teasing voice Souji did better then anyone else. But his violet eyes betrayed him, Hijikata saw the flicker of well masked pain deep inside.

He grabbed a handful of those long black strands on the back of Soujis head "Idiot. Do you want to pleasure me or hurt yourself?"

Souji gasped from the unexpected tug on his hair. "... Both."

"Tch! This is not what Sannan would have wanted." Hijikata let go, felt the long strands escape his fingers.

"No, Sannan liked women." The teasing tone was back accompanied with a mischievous twinkle in the depth of those violet eyes.

Hijikata was peeved.

_'That's it!'_

He gave forceful shove, and it sent them both over the edge. Souji arched and threw his head and body backwards. As he fell Hijikatas arm shoot out an caught him before he landed and hit his head.

He laid there in the elders hold violet eyes slightly open looking content, panting, the painful release evident on his face.

Souji smiled at him a faint trail of blood marring his lips from where he had bit them. That's where the metallic taste came from.

"Thank you, Hijikata-san..." the whisper was faint and the blood smeared lips hardly moved but Hijikata heard it.

"... Stupid." He whispered back.

OXOXOXOXOX

The moon shone through the clouds bathing the room in dim light. Souji laid on his back on the tatami floor his white yukata loosely wrapped around himself with a thin trail of blood and an aching pain remaining as a reminder of the punishment.

His glassy eyes stared exhaustedly, expressionless up at the ceiling.

Hijkata sat next to him with his pipe back in his mouth, trails of lung poisoning smoke swirling up from the pipe head. He was looking out up at the moon. Souji followed the dancing movements of the smoke with his eyes.

After a while he removed the pipe from his mouth and sighed. "Souji, you knew what I meant when I said that this isn't what Sannan would have wanted."

Souji gave him an almost unintelligible nod, not taking his eyes of the dancing smoke "This pain is not even a fraction of what I inflicted on Yamanami-san... and everyone."

Hijikata felt like smacking him. "Stupid."

Souji heaved himself up wincing at the pain flashing through spine "Yeah, I'm stupid, a demon and have a couple of screws lose... "

Hijikata wanted to object but those violet eyes warned him from interfering "... I have. Among other things, I killed a comrade without hesitating. But if we were sane we wouldn't be here, none of us would. You have to be a tab bit insane to take up a sword and ruthlessly slaughter your countrymen, otherwise anyone could it." He heaved a sad, depressed sigh "Yamanami-san, he was a pillar, a rational voice in all this blood, death and mad slaughter... he didn't even admire swordsmen. I took away the pillar that kept everyone sane..."

Hijikata reached out and stroked Soujis pale cheek with one of his large hands "Yamanami, everyone of us needed him. He was the righteous one, but he abandoned us."

"Maybe..." Souji reached out and gingerly touched Hijikatas hand on his cheek "It was us..." he closed his eyes and leaned his head into the others warm palm "That abandoned him... Maybe our insanity grew so large that he could no longer contain it, so he decided to leave us, let us drown in our own madness. He realized that there were nothing he could do for us anymore, we were a lost cause..."

Hijikata pulled him into a tight hug tucking Soujis head under his chin. "He could no longer keep us sane..." His dark eyes flashed, after a while his arms around the younger slacked "In that case let us embrace the insanity and let it flow freely." Hijikata searched those violet orbs, searched for their agreement.

Souji met his gaze, he smiled and giggled but the demonic look in his eyes betrayed him "It is..." he leaned up, once again straddling the older, his hands caressing those strong shoulders "...much more fun that way."

OXOXOXOXOX

**A/N:  
**Souji do have a couple of screws lose... but then again that's why we love him! (Don't argue with me on that.)  
Where did I get this idea from? I don't know, I was on a long bus ride, I got bored. I had just bought PMK Vol 2 and it came to me after reading about the death of Sannan, from the last page where Souji sits in his room staring at the wall with a towel (or something like that) over his head.  
I tried to make this dark but mild, it wasn't supposed to focus on the 'sex' scene, but more on the emotional bit. It didn't turn out exactly as I had imagined it but I got the original thought in there somewhere down the line. RxR, and be nice.


End file.
